


(even if we can't find heaven) i'll walk through hell with you

by whoopace_kosi (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, I cried writing this, Infinity War broke me, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Why Did I Write This?, also @the russos fUCK OFF, but go off i guess, everything is the same but Pepper and Tony aren't together, go ahead and leave some kudos, iM A SLUT FOR COMMENTS, im a rainy day hoe so i wrote this, pretty much everyone except steve and tony is just mentioned, so now yall have to suffer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-05 06:10:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15164360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/whoopace_kosi
Summary: (i'm gonna stand by you)"Steve, Tony's back."In the aftermath of Thanos' Snap, two Avengers pull each other from the brinks of insanity.(small TW: suicidal thoughts, death)





	1. This is how It starts

**Author's Note:**

> This made me cry while I was writing it so.

Steve is so tired.

He’s staring out the window, like he’s been doing for the past hour, running names of the dead and disappeared through his mind. He’d like to go to bed, but something is keeping him rooted here, trapped reliving the moment when Bucky stepped towards him  _ ( _ “ _ Steve?”)  _ and collapsed. As always, Steve Rogers, perpetually too late.

And he doesn’t even know what became of Tony, after 3 days. 

Nobody escaped unscathed. Everyone had  _ somebody  _ to mourn.  Even if you were extremely lucky and your complete family survived, there would always be a friend, a cousin, and acquaintance, a coworker, a spouse, a crush,  _ somebody  _ was missing in  _ everybody’s  _ life, and Steve feels the hole possibly more than anyone.

Maybe that’s why he misses Tony so much. Maybe he selfishly wants somebody to share the guilt, an all-consuming blame that only Tony Stark could ever understand, because he was supposed to be  _ better. _

Natasha comes up behind him, purposefully making noise so not to startle him. She waits a minute before Steve turns around, expression carefully blank in that soldier’s way of his before she walks up beside him.

“Steve,” She says softly, looking past the rain and clouds as if she can see into outer space. “There’s a ship entering the atmosphere.”   
Tired blue eyes finally shift to meet hers, probably expecting another fight, but Natasha reports, expressionless, “The Iron Man suit is on it.”

Natasha turns to face Steve. “Along with one human lifeform.”

Steve trips over his steady breathing pattern. “W-what?”  He asks heart filling with hope. It’s pretty fucking pathetic. You’d think, after all of this, he’d learn not to hope for things anymore. They just got ripped away again. And again. And again.

“Steve, Tony’s back.”

~~~

Tony half-walks, half-stumbles off the ship, Nebula staying behind. She doesn’t seem like a feeling type of person.

Avengers Compound is there, sprawling and quiet, like an ruin from a documentary. In hindsight, it looks damned ridiculous. How could Tony be so stupid, allowing these people find little pockets of his affection in his heart? You’d think, after the Accords, that he’d learn a thing or two. Things had been easier back when the biggest douche in the Universe was himself.

Insanity is doing the same thing again and expecting a different result. Tony thinks he lost his mind years ago, even before Thanos.

Eyes on the ground, the brunette makes his way to the Compound. Sometimes he catches little glances of his arm. There’s dust smeared all over his palms, blood and ash caked under his fingernails. He wonders who’s on his hands, the only cosmic footprint of their death, and then he brings his hands up, to stare at them. 

It’s the same thing he’s been doing since he shut down weapons manufacturing. From every battle he’s got at least one picture of a civilian casualty. He’s still got the picture of the boy they killed in Sokovia hanging in his lab, a reminder of the huge mistake he made. And for what? The world ended anyway. Maybe Ultron had been right. Humanity was doomed from the fucking start. His therapist says it’s a bad habit, to unnecessarily punish himself for situations he can’t control. He briefly wonders if she made it. He thinks he needs therapy now more than ever. After 38 steps (he counted) a voice says, “Tony.”

Tony looks up into Steve’s eyes. “...Steve.”

It’s… different. Being here, after what's happened. The thing about tragedy is that it makes you unbearably grateful to see people that you couldn’t stand just a few days ago. 6 feet apart from his ex, and all he can think is  _ I’m so glad he’s alive, I couldn’t take it if he died. _

_ “Steve and I, we’re not on speaking terms,”  _ He’d told Bruce. How childish. Suddenly Tony feels like the biggest dumbass in the world.

And because he has to ask, he has to  _ know _ , Tony asks, “Who-Who’d you lose?”

Steve slumps, the weight of the names finally getting to him. Tony knows how he feels.

Steve starts listing, slowly at first, “...Bucky. Sam. Wanda. T’Challa. Vision. Scott. Dr. Cho. Fury. Hill. And...”

He hesitates before the last name, and Tony feels a sinking feeling.

“Happy?” He asks, a bit pleadingly, because it hurts just a bit less. 

Steve shakes his head and it feels like a bullet to the chest. Tony feels a shake go through his body. But still, he has to ask, “Rhodey?”

A nod. “He’s in the medbay. Just a broken arm. He’ll be out by tomorrow.”

“...Pepper?”

“...We don’t know.”

“What?”

“Nobody’s heard from her. But nobody is sure whether or not she’s… still here.” (He can tell Steve doesn’t want to say Dead.)

A deep, shuddering breath leaves Tony’s body, and he nods, eyes welling up. It’s fucking stupid, because he’s already cried plenty. He’s a bit concerned about dehydration. “Okay,” he says. “Okay.”

And Steve asks, just like Tony knew he would, “Who'd you lose?”

It reminds him of, inexplicably, Go Fish. He wonders if Steve knows about the game. 

_ Who’d you lose?  _

_ Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good. _

_ I don’t know what’s happening. _

_ I don’t want to go. _

_ I’m sorry. _

“Peter.”

_ I’m sorry. _

And Steve looks at him, just. Looks. And he doesn’t ask who Peter is, because he doesn’t have to, and maybe tomorrow, or the next day, Tony will tell him about Peter, about the kid from Queens who followed him to fucking  _ space  _ and got erased from existence because he’d drawn the short stick. Maybe Tony would tell him about how his life was dictated by Murphy's Law, how he  _ couldn’t seem  _ to die.

And maybe he would tell Steve about how helpless he’d felt, how he couldn’t do fuck all, how he couldn’t even  _ die  _ because That Fucking Dickhead Dr. Strange traded the Time Stone for  _ Tony’s _ life, how he had to watch the Guardians, Strange, and  _ Peter  _ blow away in the wind, and he could only stand there, holding a handful of Peter’s ashes - _ his kid’s ashes-  _ until those blew away too.

A large, warm hand settles on Tony’s shoulder. It’s Steve, mouth twitching down as he fights off tears. Tony stares into the blue eyes he fell in love with, once, and he thinks that he could fall in love with them again. Steve pulls Tony into a hug, and it makes Tony sad, because Steve’s comforting apple pie-smell is mixed with ash and dust. He tries not to think about it as he folds into the embrace, so reminiscent of how they used to be.

Steve stares directly into Tony’s eyes when he pulls away, and he says, “I’m glad you’re alive, Tony.”

Tony returns eye contact as he whispers, “I missed you, too, Cap,” as he wraps a hand around Steve’s waist.

They walk home, and neither one is quite sure who’s supporting the other.

~~~

Later, Thor tells him of the other casualties, Loki and Heimdall, half of Asgard (the planets that have already been halved, do they lose half their people too? Did Thanos take that into account?), and Groot, which leaves Rocket (who is a talking racoon? Then again, aliens.) as the only remaining Guardian. Tony refuses to be the one to break the news, and Nebula tells him. 

Thank god for small mercies.

Tony tells Steve about Peter, about the little boy,  _ only 16 _ , that, against all odds, wormed into Tony’s heart. He only ever talks about the good things.

Steve tells Tony about the team while they were on the run, about Bucky, about Clint’s kids.

In the deep hours of the night Tony and Steve don’t talk, and sit in silence, and carry the weight of loss. But. It’s easier now, with the other here.

Apologies float everywhere like bubbles or butterflies, but they never get said. They don’t need to.

And Steve is the first person Tony goes to when he presents a theory at 2 a.m. that, maybe, all isn’t lost forever.

And while anyone else would call Tony crazy, would tell him that enough was enough, Steve just listens intently, and says, “Maybe… maybe you’re on to something, Stark.”

And they’re together when they finally go to sleep, and Steve presses a kiss to Tony’s lips, and they hold each other, because it’s the only way the nightmares seem a little less hopeless.


	2. Punch the Wall and Start a Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to grammerly bc this would be a fuckin mess without it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez these people are a huge ass mess lmAOO

\---

**One night** , Tony asks Steve, way past the time anybody should be awake, “Steve? Are you awake?”

He doesn’t have to ask. He knows Steve is up, can read him like his own palm, knows that the fear of slipping back into that moment when Bucky disintegrated in front of him, that moment when Steve’s stomach dropped to his feet because he _ failed he failed he failed again _ keeps the Captain up long past midnight.

Still, Steve indulges him. “I’m awake, Tony.”

And Tony swallows down a very large lump that suddenly appears in his throat because Steve sounds so very tired and utterly, utterly defeated. “I.”

“What, Tony?” 

“I think,” Tony says and then stops. What he’s about to say has the potential to send Steve spiraling off the edge, or it could give him hope. Hope has been one more of the things they are  _ very  _ short on the past year and they’re in desperate supply. 

But he knows that if he’s wrong, if all the theoreticals he has are just that,  _ theoretical _ , if they fail again, he knows Steve won’t return from that. 

But Tony has to try.

“I think… there might be a way to get them… people that… disappeared… back.”

Steve stares at him, face carefully blank. “What do you mean.”

“What I said, Rogers. There might be a way to reverse The Snap.”

That’s what the media has taken to calling the random reaping of half the population- The Snap. Tony supposes it’s tacky, but there are worse things. 

The strange thing about The Snap is that since it happened, life… continued? Of course, after the initial wave of mass shock and trauma, people were devastated, but people picked up, went to work, and  _ survived _ . 

But Tony can’t move on because his mind is stuck on the revelation that  _ this is all his fault _ . That everyone is dead because he  _ failed _ . That Peter was just another life lost because the Universe gave him the middle finger, and sweet, innocent Peter died. And it’s  _ all Tony’s fault. _

“Tony,” Steve asks, breathing quickly, “what did you say?”

“I think there may be a way to bring them back.”

Two silent seconds tick past, then Steve shoots up out of bed and flicks on the lights as he rushed over to kneel beside Tony’s bed. Eyes wild, he says, “Tell me everything.”

\---

**Tony Stark** always figured he was too lucky in life, at least from the outside. 

Sure, he’d had an abusive dad, but he was  _ rich _ . Most people didn’t have the cushion of Stark money to run away to MIT with. Sure, he got kidnapped and had to fix his heart with a car battery, but he was also a genius who’d revolutionized the face of modern tech. 

Sure, he was responsible for the safety of the entire world, but he’d be lying if he didn’t have some selfish reasons. First, it was his guilt complex, and boy,  _ that  _ was a massive pain in the ass, then it was Steve, and after the whole “Civil War” thing, it was Peter.  _ (I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go, help me save me, Tony.) _

And, as if all of  _ that  _ wasn’t enough, he  _ had  _ to be a part of the (un)lucky half of the earth that got to stick around traumatized as one of the most integral people in his life turned into fucking  _ ashes  _ right in front of his face.

Yeah,  _ lucky _ .

The first step of the plan to get The Snatched back was to clear Steve’s half of the team to be seen in public again.

And that took… effort.

Especially with the government. 

Because, even though people had been in mass mourning for a year and a half,  the Avengers still had to deal with the government insisting they’d needed to be brought under control, even though during the whole fucking  _ intergalactic genocide  _ they’d decided to “sit this one out.”

Bastards. 

On one particularly trying day, Tony remembers getting up from the table in frustration. Ross had barked at him, “If you would just let me push the changes I’m asking for-”

“Oh,  _ fuck you _ ,” Tony had said icily. “You want to throw anybody enhanced in a torture chamber for any minor infraction? No,” He says, going down the injustices like a checklist, “You want to force enhanced over the age of 18 to fight, no? You want to have complete control over Earth’s first defense system, established in part to protect people _ from the government _ ? No. I know my morals aren’t as iron-clad as Captain America’s, but I’m still not signing up for creating a  _ slave labor system _ .”

“You had no problem with it before!” Ross yelled, flushed. The table full of people tasked with defending the earth, most of which have never seen a day of combat, looked mildly disgruntled, as if they’re debating sports and not  _ people’s fucking lives _ . 

“ _ Before _ ,” Tony glared, “half the world wasn’t dead or disappeared. There’s a whole  _ space war _ going on. People are  _ dead _ . You lot wouldn’t know what everybody’s experiencing because you’re all alone, but the for rest of us, somebody is  _ missing. _ My… my kid…” He almost broke down into sobs.

After collecting himself, he straightened up, eyes shiny with unshed tears. “My kid is  _ dead. _ But we might be able to get him, to get  _ all of them _ back. But we can’t have all this fucking noise happening around us. Face it,” Tony spat, “we need the Avengers.”

“And just be glad,” Tony added, “That Steve Rogers decided to play by your rules this time, that he even asked me to see if there was a way to fix the Accords, because if he really wanted to go in and fight, he’d do it. And you can’t stop him.”

Ross was red in the face when he’d ended, embarrassed in front of ridiculously pompous, incompetent idiots charged with protecting the country. 

“How has Rogers been in touch with you? Are you in contact with him!?”

Tony pinched his nose and closed his eyes, counting to ten in his mind. “I can’t deal with you right now,” he said and stormed out.

That was a week ago. Ross had called once, twice, three times, and then given up. The Avengers chose to interpret that as “go ahead.”

At least, the ones left on this side of this godforsaken life.

\---

**Steve Rogers** always figured he was lucky in life, and everyone seemed keen on pointing it out.

Out of all the sickly, scrawny, little guys in Brooklyn during the Depression, Steve was the one lucky enough to get all of his problems magically solved, and all he had to do was punch a few guys and smile at some cameras.

Sure, he watched his best friend die right in front of him, but so did most soldiers in a war. And besides, Bucky came back! Sure, he was a psychotic murder machine from being tortured for 70 years, but at least he’s here! And he’s not even a mindless killer anymore after Wakanda dug most of the triggers out of his head.

And sure, Steve randomly woke up in a different century where nearly everyone he knows is dead, but hey! The future is pretty cool, right?

And sure, everyone in the world is watching nearly every move he moves now because he’s a  _ superhero  _ and he’s someone people want to kill even more, but he’s Captain America now! Dream come true, right?

Although, maybe he’s not Captain  _ anything  _ anymore, because his own country has declared him a traitor despite Steve saving the world multiple times  _ without  _ the government’s help. But who cares anymore?

But now, he figures, he’s officially crossed a line into _ supremely unlucky.  _

Everyone he’s ever cared about has disintegrated, except for a few select people who are barely holding themselves up, let alone have the strength to support  _ him _ .

So he holds it in, every day until he can escape to his room where Tony is, too. And sometimes he cries, sometimes Tony does, sometimes they both do, and sometimes they’re both too tired to let the tears escape their eyes.

Then, one night, Tony tells him there might be a way to escape from this terrible half-life he’s living without Sam, without Wanda, or Vision, or T’Challa, or  _ Bucky _ .

The second step in the plan is to go back to Titan to retrieve the Gauntlet that started the whole mess. Tony, Shuri, and the talking raccoon were in charge of creating weapons that would be able to overpower Thanos if the bastard was still alive, and a ship that would help them get to Titan. Steve was in charge of making sure their reduced manpower could stand up to the Titan, which was easier said than done. The remaining Avengers were more depressed than what usually comes with being a superhero.

And Steve is so, so tired of  _ pretending  _ to be strong for everyone.

But if this is what it takes to bring back The Snatched, well.

He can do this all day.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently Pluto is a planet again???  
> Leave some Kudos bc it's free and we're all hurdling towards death anyway.  
> Comment if you liked it or you hated it idc i like talking to people  
> I promise i'm a lot nicer than I usually come off as

**Author's Note:**

> check me out on Tumblr: https://kosiso526.tumblr.com/  
> go ahead and leave a comment bc im a thirsty bitch and with school out i need to get my human interaction in.


End file.
